November 5, 2005
Life isn’t all ha ha
I can guess what you’re thinking. What the bloody hell kind of title is that? Guess what? That’s the name of a movie I saw a couple of nights ago. I never even knew that it existed until then. It’s another one of those off beat indo-brit movies. But I have to say, it was quite an effective one. Ofcourse, it had Ayesha Dharkar, so….. Anyway I’ll probably tell you the story some other time.
Today, I found out something quite interesting. And even more unbelievably, from my grandmother. All my life I’ve known my name to mean “rain”. I’m rather obsessed with stuff like names and zodiac signs and other things related to personality and philosophy. Yeah, most of it is just a play of words. But there’s something about its rough accuracy that really catches my attention. Its kinda nice when you read something about yourself and discover that its actually true or could be. Anyway, coming back to my name. I’ve discovered another meaning to it. It means, “one who has everything or achieves everything”. Ironic, as of now. ‘Cause if that’s what its supposed to mean then why do I feel like I really have nothing? I know what most of you are going to say: one can’t have everything, you’ve got you’re whole life to get everything, what are you complaining about- you already have so much etc. etc. But some part of me is just empty. All the riches and friends and happiness doesn’t seem to fill it. There’s something I need which I’m unable to acquire. All because of my ego, stupidity or just bad luck, I don’t know. At the beginning of the year, I would have felt that this meaning suited my name perfectly because I truly did have everything I could ask for. My heart and every part of me was filled with satisfaction, love and happiness. Then I went ahead and screwed it all up due some merciless, thankless, misunderstanding factors. I gave it all up for them and what did they do? They just threw it right down the drain. I, ofcourse could not recover what I’d lost. Don’t know if I ever will. Some people close to my heart give me courage to hope and believe that I will. That someday I will get back whatever I’d lost and it will fit back into this empty space. When though? How long am I supposed to wait? Is it even worth waiting for? I don’t even know how it is on the other side. If there’s even a bit of co-operation from there. I’m unable to get out of this mental mess only because I don’t know the other side of it. And how am I supposed to know, if all I get, is empty silence. Menaingless, confusing silence.
You know, I was going write today about how I’m ready to move on to happier days. But man! Some things just don’t leave your mind. And then there are all these external factors that trigger everything that you’re trying to get rid off. Quite frustrating, if I may say so. I’m sure a lot of you will be rather confused with this confession. Just comprehend it the way you see it. I, for one, can’t really come out with it in proper words. But those of you who do understand, well, thank you. You must try to see, that this place is one where I can express all my innermost fears, desires, hatred. I can’t name anybody, but atleast when I can’t get something through to them directly, they will get my point through this (hopefully). Well, just had to get that off my mind. Can’t say much more now. Will only get further depressed.
(p.s. have made up my mind to atleast temporarily move on to happier times as of tomorrow) 
Warshhhh at 7:32 pm
5 Comments
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i agree wid u completely. there r times when u want to move on in life, but there r some things which don’t leave our mind at all. we keep saying to ourselves tht we are more happy than we ever could be., whteva happens happens for the good and blah blah blah…. but inside we r crying, we hope for a better tommorrow .and dats where it all ends with a shattered soul and loads of advice from pals, ur close ones . .but hope is never shattered coz thats the real power . we are left behind wid hope ,hope that tomorrow will come .hope of love .hope jus plain hope,hope that can never be destroyed .
Comment by: aditi November 5, 2005 @ 8:09 pm
True. Hope only grows, never dies. Thanks.
Comment by: Warsha November 5, 2005 @ 10:18 pm
too often we focus on what is dark… forgetting the silver lining that always exists. life sucks, true.. but the idea is not to realise this but to realise that there are reasons that we live.
sometimes it helps to stop looking too, not because what we are looking for might be right there, but simply because we need new perspectives sometimes too.
things change, people change.. don’t fight it hoping things change back. accept.. it helps somtimes.
Comment by: SEV November 6, 2005 @ 9:10 am
I’m probably unable to look further only because I’m still stuck in that muddy spot and need to be told that things have changed. Not indirectly. I need to be shaken and told that its all just done with and I have to start afresh somewhere else. ‘Cause I’m just a little too stubborn to believe things that just everybody else says. I need it from the source. Pretty unreasonable of me but I’m one heck of a fighter. I don’t give up easy.
Comment by: Warsha November 6, 2005 @ 1:35 pm
You cant depend on ppl 2 bring u happiness n contentment…u have 2 find it 4 urself…happiness comes frm within not from outside…
Comment by: Viveka November 7, 2005 @ 6:02 pm