August 13, 2008
the emotional web
Silence.
Introspection. Confusion.
Disillusionment. Too much. Too little.
Fatigue. Sleep. Lack of it. Blur. Dilated pupils.
Head-heavy. Tippy-toed. Distortion. White noise. Bad jokes. Laughter.
Gossip. Confessions. Tears. Grief. Anger. Calm. Comfort. Desire.
Disclosure. Discretion. Giggles. Fear. Love. Lust. Happiness.Heartbreak.
Betrayal. Obsession. Loneliness. Numbness. Destruction. Faith. Dejection.
Realization. Denial. Work. Life. Too much. Too little.
Disappointment. Nothing. Everything.
Peace. Chaos.
Silence.
the words are universal. the feelings are unique.
Warshhhh at 8:14 pm
February 27, 2007
Self-Tagged
Three things that scare me :
1. Letting someone in/Losing someone I care about
2. Letting down my parents/brother
3. Someone who can read into my mind
Three people who make me laugh :
1. My brother (even though he makes the worst jokes on the planet)
2. Chandler (Friends)/Dr.Cox (Scrubs)
3. Anyone who takes advantage of the fact that I’m ticklish
Three things I love :
1. Listening,learning, performing: Music/singing
2. People i care abt, specifically: My brother, parents, best friend, sisterhood
3. Any medium that kindles my imagination (btw, that’s a really long list)
Three things I hate :
1. People with no self-respect/who act dumb when they’re not
2. The existing emptiness even when one has everything one could ask for
3. Judgmental individuals who refuse to accept people as they are
Three things I don’t understand :
1. Why some people get to live a life they don’t deserve
2. Why its hard to believe that sometimes people like to be/make it on their own
3. Why must everything make sense/have a reason/be logical/be complicated
Three things on my desk :
1. College notes
2. Music system/player
3. A mess of my bags and their contents (ie. more notes/cosmetics/books/cellphone)
Three things I am doing right now :
1. Reading “Tess Of The d’Urbervilles”/Book on Psychology
2. Listening to music
3. This questionnaire
Three things I want to do before I die :
1. Sing live at my own established karaoke club/Own a farmhouse and everything that goes with it
2. Go backpacking across Europe/New Zealand/Northern India/Certain parts of N. and S. America
3. Do something meaningful with my to-be-profession
Three things I can do :
1. Sing
2. Listen/stay consistently patient
3. Adapt/adjust/accomodate
Three things you should listen to :
1. Bands/Musicians: Within Temptation, Evanescence,A.R.Rahman
2. Someone singing, unaware that you’re listening
3. Nature (rain/wind/waterfalls/sea)
Three things you should never listen to :
1. Himesh Reshammiya
2. So-called “music” of metal-grating and screeching
3. The conversations I have with myself
Three things I would like to learn :
1. Belly dancing/Hula
2. To play musical instruments starting with the piano
3. To have confidence in making impossible dreams come true
Three favorite foods :
1. Mom’s cooking (vengaya/mulangi sambar with potato curry,pav bhaji)
2. Theretipal/Pal payasam
3. Anything else that constitutes good, edible food
Three beverages I drink regularly :
1. Tea
2. Milk with sugar
3. Assorted fruit juices
Three TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid even now :
1. Friends/Tom & Jerry/Bean
2. Archie/Calvin
3. Enid Blyton/Agatha Christie
Three people I tag :
Whomsoever is interested (like i was), is hereby tagged.
Warshhhh at 10:02 pm
June 26, 2006
Back to St. Xavier’s
First day of college. No, I mean proper degree college. To be honest, it was oddly unsettling. A free lecture, a one and a half hour break and dismissed at 1 p.m. I felt as though I was just lolling about with plenty of time to kill, as though I were bunking a lecture or something. After pretty much all my life so far, of continuous classes and running about from here to there, it felt too damn strange having so much free time. Although I know eventually I’ll really need all that time, for a first day it was quite empty and uneventful. I will be taking up the Honours programme for Psychology (I easily qualify with my awesome %). I will have plenty of assignments, projects, seminars, workshops in psychology and research in literature. Anthropology is still a question mark until my first lecture. And now, I will stop talking about my academic plans for the year.
What I’m most interested in checking out is testing myself on becoming extroverted and learning to talk. Out loud I mean. I will definitely be part of Malhar (coll fest) & Janfest this year, apart from other social programmes.
Ok, I’m talking about my plans again - actually why the hell should I not? Basically, I’m glad I can finally qualify myself as a collegian, I no longer have to get embarrassed about being young and looking much older. Ha! And you can see I’m not really in the moods to write or think and write. This is the worst I’ve ever written really. Anyway, this is for benifit of keeping this blog alive and getting through to my bro. Laterz.
Warshhhh at 3:14 pm
May 16, 2006
To satish and the others
Dear Lord, I am forgetful. I forgot to mention the most important people who made my birthday so memorable. First and foremost, satish, who although called close to evening, remembered to call and promised me a gift. But you know what, his call was gift enough to me. L-l-l-love you bro. Next, rajesh anna, who also called up and gave me five minutes of laughter. Finally, shubha manni, who got my 2 angels, siddharth and gautam, to sing “Happy Birthday” to me. Gautam was more of the background musician (with the beginnings of talk: “Aay, Eey”). My love to one and all. Mmmuahhhh!
p.s. A big thanks to all my relatives who mailed me and sent cards.
*End of list*
Warshhhh at 11:05 am
May 15, 2006
To mom and dad
I distinctly noticed, on reading the previous post, that I’d not mentioned my parents at all. My birthday would’ve been nothing without them to share it with. Indeed, I woke up to negative predictions, but one bug hug and kiss from my parents (given early in the morning while I was half asleep) were the best gifts I got that day. Two people that suppressed any objections arising about birthday celebrations and helped me with last minute shopping. Yes, Dad I clearly remember being woken by your cooing voice and wshes and mom, you are the best, how else would I have got to look great on my birthday? Love you both. And thanks.
Warshhhh at 6:37 pm
May 12, 2006
A birthday to remember
I’m 18!!! Adult, can attain the license to drive, to vote, and hey, even go clubbing (Not that I will any time soon). This birthday was a once in a lifetime occasion, and all I can say is, that I enjoyed it to the fullest or atleast ended up doing so.
May 10th, Wednesday morning, I woke up to my very pessimistic prediction of a boring, lonely birthday. My friends had given me rainchecks on my offer to meet up. I wasn’t allowed to celebrate at home, not even cut a cake due to the restrictions that came along with mourning period. And there was no way I would go out when there was no one to meet up with. I did get calls from the most unusual set of friends along with my close ones. A big thank you to them. Considering the way I was feeling, their calls really cheered me up.
Close to afternoon, Shrey (part of my inner circle of friends) asked me to get a book she wanted and that she would be waiting at the end of my street. A while later another one of my friends, Maddy, told me that Shrey couldn’t come and that I was to give the book to her instead. Being the gullible, unsuspecting person I am, I took the book and went to meet her. She gave me my first birthday gift, a blindfold. Fabulous. So I put it on, feeling extremely dumb for having not figured it out, and she got us both into an auto. Anyway, what’s a birthday without some mystery, right?
After around 10-15 minutes, she helped me get down and told me to just walk with her. Not much of a choice there. Then she tells me I need to climb 13 freaking floors for my surprise since there was no electrcity. What the hell?! But I was a good sport and obviously was curious to see where all this was going to end up. After around 6-7 floors, she took me intosome sort of room and told me that next I was to be gagged and tied up. And I actually believed her! I could hear others in the room and wanted to just pull off the damn blindfold. Finally, someone just took away whatever I was holding and put something hard in my hand. The blindfold was pulled off. “Surprise!!!!” In front of me, a delicious looking dark chocolate cake sat on a wooden surface with a single candle. I turned and found Stuts, Shrey and Maddy singing “Happy Birthday” and urging me to cut the cake. That was a moment of such grateful joy.
Afterward, I got a gift and card and Shrey’s mom made some really yummy ragda pattice (they had brought me to her place). It was so great to be spending the afternoon with my friends after so long. Well, after getting back home I got into my birthday dress and took Meenz, my best friend, to dinner. This was when the happiest moment of the day came. She had bought a small little chocolate cake too! I couldn’t believe that after having cribbed for almost a week about not getting any cakes, I got two! All in all, it turned out to be a great day. I didn’t get to spend it with my folks like I do every year, but ofcourse that will happen later this month. So when everyone asked me what I did on my birthday, if I’d partied or planned anything, I just said that I didn’t have to do anything, my dear pals did it all for me. And they agreed just as I did that I do have the most amazing buddies. Lucky me!
Definitely a birthday to remember….from the really bad prediction to 2 pleasant surprises. So even with all its impefections, life does have some special twists to it…
The Birthday Girl (For larger image: Right click-> View Image)
p.s. I know, I know, I look really good. I always do. 
Warshhhh at 5:06 pm
April 14, 2006
A tribute to thatha
On wednesday morning, April 12th, I was awoken to the urgent news of thatha’s (my grandpa) last moments. By the time I reached his bedside, he was no more. Semi-shock turned to complete shock. Disbelief. I held on to his hand but he refused to squeeze it one last time. Suddenly, I felt like the same little girl who had watched him throughout, unable to do anything to lessen the pain. And now, there was nothing I could do. I knew this was for the better. That further suffering was not what he deserved. That he’d atleast, after 2 weeks of unjust pain, passed away in his sleep, almost peacefully.
I do not wish to further describe the situation for it is not this grief that we should relive over and over again. We should bring back memories, times of happiness and joy……remember thatha. He created a secure life for his family and taught us all to stay determined, stay strong, to live and to love. SEV has brought light to his achievements and spoken about the way we’ve known him to be on his blog. My sister has also correctly stated, “No one will ever understand unless they’ve seen thatha.
Further, my recollections on happy times with thatha:
I too remember thatha always testing me in math and hence my doing so well in school and college. He would surpise me with formulae or mental math. He always asked for my maths marks or wanted to know when and how my maths paper was. And I aways proudly gave him good results….ofcourse all thanks to him. He never failed to wish me luck for my exams. I will still hear his voice in my head before each future exam I give.
I am going to truly miss seeing his wrinkled, smiling face each morning, his wishing me “good afternoon” with a chuckle on days I wake up late, scolding me for not keeping things in place or not doing things on time, always chanting along with me when I sing, “Vakra thunda…” (prayer to Lord Ganesha), imitating me on movie songs and keenly listening to stories of movies I watch or books I read. I will not forget those shobha (my previous residence) days, just before thatha’s afternoon naps, when he would tell me a couple of short stories or some part of the mahabharata and then let me leave for school. He would give me some long, difficult word from which i had to form as many words as I could. I remember him doing this even when we, kids, were all together and we’d all compete to be the first and get his praises. any story/essay I wrote or sketch/artwork that I made would be shown to thatha first just because his approval or praise or acknowledgement meant so much to me. I always kept a smile on just because he would ask me to. There would be such contentment on his face whenever he saw any of us kids give a huge smile. I also remember old tata building days, when he loved to make us squeal by keeping his dentures partly outside his mouth, forming this scary expression. And he’s always had a special way of calling out to each of us. A voice that’s been deeply imprinted into our minds and hearts.
Memories will keep rushing back of happy times, treasured moments and special occasions. I have found it hard to express them vocally or emotionally. But words have managed to break into my heart and spill them out, creating an unending flow. We are all going to miss you, thatha. Especially in certain tiny little moments unique to each one of us. We have all shared special bonds with you that will never be forgotten. I love you, and in my heart, will always hold on to you. The way you will hold on to all of us with your blessings. From heaven.
In his loving memory…
C. E. Viswanath (15th June 1915 - 12th April 2006)
Warshhhh at 6:13 pm
April 10, 2006
A flickering candle
The last time I saw my grandfather since he was admitted at the hospital, he talked to me. He wasn’t too cheerful, but he was talking and atleast acknowledging the fact that I was there. It’s been 4 days. For the first time, while listening to my father and uncle discuss his grave situation, I felt fear, i was scared. Suddenly I had to face a fact of reality. The candle was flickering. Time was running out. When the doctor let us in, my legs were wobbly, my mind was numb. It was my sweet, hot-tempered thatha losing his grip on life. He was unable to speak. But he could listen. I called out to him and he half-opened his eyes. I felt so….sad. Can’t explain it otherwise. I couldn’t cry, I was just, i guess, stunned. In semi-shock. My grandfather is one of the strongest, determined people I’ve known. At 90, he is as healthy as can be except for lack of oxygen. Just a week ago, when he was more conscious, he would be so particular about the way everything was done and where everything was kept. Like he always was.
I know that the inevitable is around the corner. That the candle will blow out any one of these days. It’s just difficult to see him in his state, so weak and sufferring from so much pain. I can still remember him testing me on math and telliing me stories of the Gods and Kings. And when he gets them wrong, my grandmother would correct him and he would laugh at his forgetfulness. I respect and love him with my heart, and wish he could still have the strength to live upto a 100. All of us, kids, always imagined him being there throughout. I guess in many ways, he will be. In our hearts…
A Smiling Thatha
p.s. not sure if its right to post this but I am. this blog was made for me to express my emotions and after quite sometime, i’m feeling emotion.
Warshhhh at 9:40 pm
March 5, 2006
I’m free!
Finally, that awaited moment, the day I’ve been waiting for from the beginning of the year. The day of salvation, peace, freedom. A feeling of feathery lightness, of wanting to fly all the way around the world and then straight to Flat B, 47, Seaforth road, Aberdeen, Scotland, U.K. The interesting part is, that the awaited feeling was much more stronger a couple of months back, it was desperation. It’s like that definiton of utility: anticipated satisfaction. But after the grande finale yesterday, it was hard for me to believe that everything was over. That Junior College was done with. No more bunking with my gang or hanging out in the foyer or the woods. Acceptance refused to settle inside. I still had that feeling that I’d have to go back to college on Monday as usual. Strange. Or maybe just human.
Now the question is, what do I do next? I’m not planning anything for this week. Just letting myself crazy, lose my head, meet up wth my friends, drive them crazy too, freak out, watch all the tv I can, use the computer whenever I can, shop, go to the movies and so on. I most probably will be visiting my nephews at Bangalore and am very excited about it. I mean babysitting two beautiful angels, what more could I ask for? I love kids by the way.
Well, as for any other plans, I still need to ponder over those. Its only been 24 hours! Till then, looking forward to endless days with nothing to do, or rather, finding something to do…….
Warshhhh at 11:42 pm
February 2, 2006
Cousinly bonds
To begin with, I do apologise for the major delay of this post. Wait, why am I apologising? It is my blog, right? Ok, just being courteous. Anyway, crap aside, I woud like to say that my sister’s wedding was a total blast and I’ve never enjoyed being at one more in my life. We managed to squeeze some good cash out of our brother-in-law too. That was the best part. Most of all, I got to be with my cousins and we got to be the pranksters again (Minus my cousin at the US. we missed him big time.)
My brother just wrote about how a lot of us don’t realise how much we need certain ppl till we actually find them again. Us, cousins used to be stuck to each other at a certain point several years ago. But then we shifted houses, grew up, had a lot to study blah blah. Though that is no excuse for losing touch, we did. Since then, everytime there’s a function in the family, we meet yet again. And by the time we catch up and get close, its time to leave. Back to the routine life. And the best part is that’s exactly what we do. Initially, there are a few mails and phone calls but then it just fades away. That’s the story so far.
This year was different. We sw a different side to ourselves and how all of us shared the same boredom with life. In a way, we got to be closer but still we needed more time to enjoy wat we had managed to build and seal up. Ofcourse, everyone had to leave - again, but a little more wiser this time (ie. we’ll not let go this time). I’ve already said this in SEV’s blog but I’m gonna say it again. As we grow older, memories with dear ones are harder to forget. That’s when we realise how important they are and try to hold on with that little finger…. a leaf out of our dads’ books (Coz they manage to hold on to everything they care for).
I’ve probably mentioned it a bundle of times before, but considering my forthcoming exams I will not be able to write much for this month. Cheers.
P.S. SEV - I hope I haven’t completely copied your topic down here. I merely have the same thoughts running through my mind.
Warshhhh at 4:08 pm